8-2-57 Mojo Nixon born in Chapel Hill, NC
7-4-62 Nixon Family moves to Danville, VA
2-8-64 Nixon gets his first LP, Meet The Beatles, and is convinced that I Saw Her Standing There actually begins "1-2-3-FUCK!"
3-28-67 Mojo hears Sweet Soul Music by Arthur Conley on his father's radio station (WILA, "The Black Spot On Your Dial"). Music claims his soul and Satan crawls up his butt.
6-10-70 Nixon hears Velvet Underground's Sister Ray and smokes pot for the first time at a Methodist Youth Fellowship weekend retreat.
6-14-71 14 year old Nixon arrested for protesting leash law at City Hall. Wears shirt procaliming the slogan "FREE THE DOGS". Nixon spends time in the back of a police car humming MC5 songs and threatening to kill the mayor.
6-15-71 Nixon's father handcuffs him to the lawnmower until both front and back yards are mowed.
4-5-72 Nixon begins "practicing" drums in basement. This causes his 76 year old grandmother to beg to be taken to a nursing home.
8-2-72 For his 15th Birthday, Big Daddy Nixon takes him to see a Richard Pryor movie where the joys of the word "Mother Fucker" are discovered.
10-13-73 Nixon goes to see Led Zeppelin at Greensboro Coliseum and for the first time sees the pot-smoking beer-sucking denim-clad rock army.
8-2-74 While on a family vacation Nixon plays Elvis' Promised Land 14 consecutive times on a diner jukebox. All the while his parents try to use his 17th Birthday as an excuse to talk to him about his future.
9-4-75 Nixon begins college at Miami University. It was the furthest college away from his hometown that accepted him. Frampton Comes Alive is the #1 album in America. Nixon is secretly listening to Patti Smith's Gloria over and over again.
4-21-76 While listening to Blue Oyster Cult records and drinking Mad Dog 20/20 Nixon reads Hunter Thompson's Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas out loud to a young virgin trapped in his room.
7-20-78 Nixon is knocked uncounscious by Clarence "Big Man" Clemmons at a Springsteen concert in Charleston, SC for jumping on stage during an encore.
11-20-78 Big Daddy Nixon goes to join Otis Redding in the great beyond.
6-10-79 Nixon graduates college and moves to England hoping to join The Clash. Winds up playing Dion and Jerry Lee Lewis songs in the underground for money.
1-30-80 Nixon gives up on his Clash dreams. He moves to Denver and begins work for VISTA organizing winos into work forces and entertains them on breaks by singing Woody Guthrie and Leadbelly songs.
5-12-80 Hears George Thoroughgood on the radio and decides he is now a singer and guitar player.
11-21-80 Nixon and his punk band Zebra 123 are questioned by the Secret Service for their part in the Assassination Ball at Denver's notorious punk club, Malfunction Junction.
2-7-81 Lack of Poontang causes Nixon to follow college girlfriend to San Diego, CA.
8-30-81 A "Howlin Wolf only" edict on his turntable drives "Kate Bush loving" girlfriend away.
9-2-81 Nixon meets fellow San Diego musician and de-mentor Country Dick Montana. Much drinking and carousing ensue.
10-1-81 Experiences Country Dick And The Snuggle Bunnies playing The Wreck Of The Old '97 at a neo-strip joint and gets laid. Nixon decides to stay in San Diego.
10-14-82 Nixon and two buddies begin a bicycle trip from San Diego to Danville, VA.
10-20-82 After drinking too many Skylab Fallouts on Bourbon Street in New Orleans Mojo has the "Mojo Nixon Revelation" that gives birth to the idea of playin' guitar, hollerin' about injustice, having a good time, drinking and fornicating. Mojo=Voodoo Nixon=Bad Politics

post-revelation:

1-5-83 Mojo Nixon returns to San Diego to share his revelation with Country Dick Montana.
4-7-83 Nixon sees The Blasters perform in a small San Diego club. He doesn't shut up or sleep for 4 days.
4-15-83 Nixon begins performing with washboard player (he didn't own a snare drum) Skid Roper at ultra-sleazy Spirit Club. The club becomes the inspiration for the song Where The Hell's My Money.
6-3-83 Nixon hitchhikes across country after not being asked to be a founding member of The Beat Farmers by Country Dick.
8-2-83 While working as a park ranger for the summer in North Carolina Nixon is knocked unconscious and falls into the river. His life is saved by 65 year old fellow grassmower and he takes this as a sign from Elvis to return to San Diego and make a big rock 'n roll ruckus.
10-4-83 Nixon meets future wife Adaire in the parking lot of Bodies dive bar where he just performed wearing a dress.
8-10-84 Nixon and Roper win San Diego battle of the bands and win recording studio time which they use to record two songs for a local music compilation.
9-12-84 A professional gofer killer sees Nixon perform for the first time at the Spirit Club. He is awe struck but has no idea that Nixon will completely destroy his life. He gives up gofer killing to work for Mojo on the road and ends up becoming his longtime manager. Nixon dubs him Bullethead the first week on the road and the name sticks.
12-5-84 Nixon records a demo in the living room of producer, and future Beat Farmer, Joey "Mudbone" Harris.
1-30-85 Nixon and Roper open a show for Tex And The Horseheads in San Diego. Representatives of Enigma Records are at the show.
2-1-85 Nixon sends demo tape to Enigma Records. Shortly thereafter Ron Goudie from Enigma Records calls him on the phone.
3-19-85 Nixon signs contract with Enigma to release the demo as an album entitled Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper. Frequently referred to by fans as Free, Drunk And Horny based on the cover art.
8-25-85 The album is released. Nixon and Roper take to the road in a '67 Malibu station wagon. They spend a high percentage of touring time following the Beat Farmers and being their opening act (many times as a surprise to even the club owners). Jesus At McDonalds is a hit at college radio.
1-18-86 Skid Roper is arrested in Los Angeles for jaywalking and resisting arrest during the recording of Frenzy with producer Ron Goudie (Poison, Stryper and assorted LA punk bands).
5-4-86 Frenzy is released. Stuffin Martha's Muffin and I Hate Banks are hits at college radio. Nixon and Roper tour with The Pogues. Bullethead begins touring with Mojo as road manager. Nixon performs with a TV set on his head. PEOPLE MAGAZINE calls album "as pleasurable as having a wasp fly up your nose".
11-20-86 Get Outta My Way EP (produced by Ron Goudie) is released. Burn Down The Malls (written in the van on the way to the studio) is a college and commercial drive time radio hit. Nixon makes a video for the song that is played on MTV's 120 minutes.
3-15-87 While performing in San Francisco (at the I-Beam) Nixon plays a little known Chuck Berry tune, Tulane. In the middle of the song Nixon goes completely off his rocker and begins ranting how Elvis, is Everywhere, Everything and Everybody. The song literally spews out of him nearly intact as he become a lightning rod for the Elvibration about to sweep the nation.
8-16-87 BO-DAY-SHUS is released (produced by Goudie). Elvis is Everywhere is a radio and MTV cultural phenomenon.
11-4-87 MTV producer Mark Pellington approaches Mojo about appearing in "shorts" to run on the network that he lambasted on his last album.
12-10-87 MTV agrees to allow Mojo to script and ad-lib his shorts.
1-17-88 Mojos's spots begin running on MTV.
2-4-88 Mojo tours Australia and encounters brethren more boneheaded and drunk than himself. While on tour he writes the song Kylie Minogue is Pregnant With My Two-Headed Love Child that is later adapted for American Audiences.
3-17-88 Mojo does his first of many hosting gigs for MTV on their "Live From Spring Break" show.
4-12-88 Nixon tours and in the van listens to nothing except the Replacements Pleased to Meet Me produced by legendary curmudgeon Jim Dickinson (Big Star, Toots and the Maytalls).
5-23-88 Mojo is pressured by record company to find a "name" producer. After being turned down by Tom Wait and Keith Richards Nixon contacts Dickinson. Luckily Dickinson turns out to be a fan and kindred spirit.
9-12-88 Nixon heads to Memphis to record an album with Dickinson. Learns the joys of Graceland on mushrooms, local wrestling shows, blues jams in Mississippi and church with Rev. Al Green.
10-15-88 Nixon stays in Memphis for his first film gig in "Great Balls of Fire". The movie bio starring Dennis Quaid and Winona Ryder. He plays a band member along with John Doe and Jimmy Vaughn. Nixon and Doe and Vaughn and co-star Trey Wilson form a band for a one-time performance with producer Jon Hampton on drums.
2-11-89 Nixon marries his common law wife Adaire. His Go-Kart track wedding draws 250 guests and two live radio broadcast and is televised by MTV. His wedding party includes his uncle, Brother and six year old son Ruben. He and his wedding party arrive at altar on Go-Karts. The Rev. Country Dick Montana performs the ceremony.
2-14-89 Nixon begins a three week tour with the Pleasure Barons. A 14 member tuxedo-clad Las Vegas style review from Hell starring Mojo, Montana and Dave Alvin.
2-22-89 ROOT, HOG OR DIE is released. The song (619) 239-KING is a radio and MTV hit. Kris Kristofferson makes an appearance in the video.
5-13-89 Video for Debbie Gibson is Pregnant With My Two Headed Love Child is banned by MTV. Nixon refuses to host future MTV shows. Winona Ryder declares "Playing Debbie Gibson in the video is my favorite role to date."
7-4-89 Mojo begins tour with the Pogues and Violent Femmes.
7-25-89 Nixon and Roper perform the real This Land is Your Land on stage at the high falutin' Wolf Trap National Park amphitheater. He is joined by the Pogues and Shane McGowan falls down on stage and continues singing and drinking. Many blue-haired ladies are offended and Nixon and his wife are banned for life from the facility.
9-13-89 Mojo begins last tour with longtime partner Skid Roper. The duo realize one of their long time dreams of playing Moosejaw, Saskatchewan. Unfortunately the venue becomes the sight of the duos' break-up as they disagree on the formation of a full band.
11-12-89 Nixon and Roper perform their last show together at a club in Bozeman, Montana. Their final performance is on a show with Firehose and Screaming Trees. In Bozeman, Nixon discovers an anatomically correct inflatable love sheep for sale in an adult bookstore. His life is inexplicably changed by this discovery.
12-1-89 Bullethead gives up the road and moves to NYC to form Bullethead Management. Nixon is his first client.

elderstatesman:

1-17-90 EMI releases UNLIMITED EVERYTHING in Europe. Nixon spends several months touring Europe with a full band, The Talking Boogers featuring 350 lb. Bass player Gil T.
4-14-90 Nixon returns to Memphis for an album with his new mentor Dickinson. Nixon puts together the first "post-cow-punk supergroup" for the record. John Doe of X, Country Dick Montana of the Beat Farmers, Eric Ambel of the Del-Lords, and Bill Davis of Dash Rip Rock.
7-12-90 Nixon plays the "Spirit of Rock 'n' Roll" in a sequel to ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL. The movie goes direct to video. Later Nixon has a cameo in CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU? And the movie doesn't come out for three years.
9-1-90 "OTIS" is released. The video for Destroy All Lawyers is virtually unseen. But the song Don Henley Must Die becomes a hit and stirs much controversy.
9-10-90 Nixon needs a full-time touring band. Over the phone he hires members of the recently disbanded Neptunes of Austin, Texas based on the recommendation of Joe Ely. Nixon begins a long time touring relationship with piano player Wetdawg and drummer Wid. The band is christened the Toadliquors.
12-1-90 Just as Otis is picking up momentum Enigma Records goes out of business. Nixon's recording and songwriting rights revert to him.
4-2-91 IRS records surreptitiously re-releases Nixon's records. Nixon tours with Dread Zeppelin.
1991 & 1992 While Nixon's single lawyer tries to gain control of his creative output from a giant corporate monolith, Nixon tours and records many songs for tribute albums. (The Sonics, The Ramones, Led Zeppelin, Dean Martin, The Dead Kennedys). Nixon strikes a deal with Triple X Records to produce acts he discovers for them. These groups include The Dick Nixons, Fish Karma, and One Foot in the Grave.
7-1-92 Nixon and the Toadliquors begin the first annual Tour de Tejas. A yearly occurrence that entails spending an entire month touring the state of Texas.
8-2-92 Nixon is struck speechless for the first time in his life. As he is performing Don Henley Must die in a small club in Texas, Nixon is joined onstage by Don Henley who proceeds to sing along.
9-12-92 Nixon releases Horny Holidays a raunchy Christmas party record on Triple X Records. The Louie, Louie of Christmas albums.
10-17-92 Nixon begins a three week guest host stint on the USA Networks "Up all Night" Program.
3-15-93 Nixon appears in the unpopular Super Mario Bros. Movie based on the popular video game.
6-2-93 Nixon tours with the even sleazier Pleasure Barons line-up that adds John Doe on Bass and bartending chore. A Pleasure Barons live album is released from the tapes recorded in 1989.
7-3-93 Nixon records with punk rock legend Jello Biafra. A country album???
2-5-94 Mrs. Nixon gives birth to Rafe Cannonball Nixon.
3-12-94 Prairie Home Invasion, the Nixon/Biafra country album is released and punk rock purists are outraged.
3-15-94 Nixon's attorney (codename:Dragonslayer) gains court ordered control of all Mojos's songwriting and publishing rights.
3-16-94 Nixon and his longtime manager and poker buddy Bullethead form Blutarski Entertainment, Inc, for the purpose of recording a new Mojo album and laundering corporate funds.
4-14-94 Nixon films a pilot for his series "Shut up and Drive" which ends up as shorts on the USA Network.
7-4-94 Mojo is approached by his old pal Eric "Roscoe" Ambel about producing the new record. His recent production credits include Nils Lofgren, Bottle Rockets, Blood Oranges, and Go to Blazes.
8-16-94 Blutarski Entertainment strikes a distribution deal with Ripe & Ready Records for the album Whereabouts Unknown.
11-1-94 Nixon begins his third annual Horny Holidays tour.
3-7-95 Nixon's ninth full length album Whereabouts Unknown is released in the States and in Europe through LAST CALL Records.

The scariest thing about this extensive timeline is that it is the truest bio of mojo Nixon ever written.